‡ Lost.

jungcoeur:

Everyone is different, we all have our own rituals and traditions. The secret things that we do when no one is looking or the quiet places that we visit to clear our mind. Places we don’t tell anyone about in the fear that they might crowd us, join us or ruin the secret joys that we find in the world. It’s the same as finding a favourite song and refusing to share it with someone. It’s almost like you’re tempted to, like you want someone to hear it and hear what you hear. Someone who can say ‘hey I’ve been listening to it on repeat for days’ just so you can say that you have as well but there’s also that fear, that worry that maybe they won’t like the song. Maybe they’ll criticize it or brush it aside and all of a sudden a song that you love becomes a lack-luster track you don’t feel so much pride over. You hear it through their ears and you lose the spark, the interest.

Soojung was like this, she had many secrets things. Some might argue that it was because her whole existence was a secret but she didn’t really think about it in that sort of way. Forget the big picture, she just liked the little things. The little coffee shop across town, that song she’d found one night while wandering through YouTube, the poet who seemed to see right through her words and deep into her soul. Secret joys of life were meant to be hidden and after joining Coex as their resident tour guide she was soon able to find a secret joy there as well.

Coex was big, really big. Some found it overwhelming at first, she’d heard. The newest tour guides were always fumbling with maps and papers while they tripped and stumbled around the place; their attempts to educate a group of strangers usually anything but coordinated or interesting. Soojung had been different though, she’d not really expected to find it easy but she had a knack for finding her way around the place. One of the biggest reasons for this was her awe; the enthusiasm and respect for each section and aquarium of Coex. It was like discovering a new beauty each and every day and as she spoke about the sharks and the whales and the schools of fish, it was so easy to see her eyes light up in childish wonder.

Soojung was so good at finding her way around the aquarium that she had even managed to find things that weren’t on the map. This was her secret. Off to the side, a small hallway with old paint and dim lighting led to a darker room. With walls made of glass, there was a smaller aquarium filled with brightly-coloured fish. To most it wouldn’t seem very exciting compared to the other ones. It wasn’t large-scale and there was nothing unique or fantastical about the animals behind the thick glass. They were just… there; existing. They moved together, moved around in-sync and waited for slow members to catch up. It made her feel safe in a way, to see the fish stick together.

No one ever came to that area of Coex and no one ever bothered her. That was part of the enjoyment. This is where she would disappear to on her breaks or at lunchtime. Sometimes she would visit the place even after her shift was done and that’s what she was currently doing. The stress of the week had quietly built up and she found it almost humorous that her troubles were so unequivocally normal for once. Paying bills on time, wondering if her boss liked her, thinking if she should revise her tour — all of her thoughts seemed so… unexciting, compared to her past.

It’s funny though, how accustomed to certain things you can become. How little things can seem like big things and instead of finding yourself in an action-movie you find yourself in a calm, indie-drama about a girl with no friends who works at an aquarium.

—And the only people who could listen to her problems were the fish behind the glass.

            There was the prickling sense that she, perhaps, had made a bad decision to record her next video from the safety of her dormitory. It wasn’t something that she’d never done before but, when you’re constantly prone to interpret things incorrectly – along with never having ventured to particular areas of the city, or the attracts held therein – this often guided her along paths yet travelled, and frustrating times. This is where Melanie finds herself, at present. How she managed to lose herself in an aquarium, of all places, she’d yet to understand. But, in retrospect, the location of unwanted adventure was rather sizeable in itself. It was a lot larger than she expected it to be, that was one certainty that she was aware of having gathered from the day.

            Pools of chocolate widened with awe as she stumbled about, taking in the sights cerulean waters, lazy schools of fish swimming about, and children drowning in their boredom while being coaxed to a new section by overenthusiastic parents. Though the world continued around her at the same pace, she felt frozen, enamored by the different sights and sounds of a particular section that she’d merely happened upon by accident; typically, it was during these times that the best moments of the petite girl’s life seemed to race before her eyes, dragging her along for a ride that she knew she wasn’t prepared for, but never objected to taking, all the same.

            For a moment, Melanie had forgotten about the fact that she was actually lost – the map clutched between thin fingers had, somehow, become a relic of forgotten times, and she simply moved in the direction that her feet wished to guide her. Nothing about this sparked the interest of those around and, for that, she was thankful. It would have definitely proven difficult for her to explain that she’d simply misinterpreted a sign and ended up heading off in the wrong direction. The last thing that she’d wanted was the pity of whoever would come across her, so she allowed herself to dwell deeper within the depths of Coex. Somewhere along the way, she’d become happy with the fact that she had no idea where she was going: All of the tour guides and their groups had nearly completely dissipated, people stopped asking if she wanted to come along with whatever little circle of friends she would have, in the end, be isolated from and, now, she stood surrounded by a sense of wonder, the life around her giving her an energy that she could barely contain.

            With her face nearly pressed flat to crystal clear glass, the tiny girl stepped from display to display, taking in the different appearances of every form of aquatic life that she could come across. She’d seen nearly every species more than once, but something like this never halted the appreciation that she would always have for other forms of life. “You’re gorgeous,” she’d whispered to fish of different size, scattered here and there, before moving on to the next and uttering some string of words that left similar impression.

            Wait a second; wasn’t she supposed to be lost? Despite wanting to continue her exploration and discovery of the life around, she did have to – eventually – figure out a way to leave the area and make it back to her university’s campus in one piece. That same map that had been long-since forgotten was gripped tighter and, with a heavy sigh leaving her body, she unfolded the paper, smoothing out whatever wrinkles that had been created, and squinted at printed words that had meant to be some sort of guide-away-from-an-actual-guide, yet only succeeded in confusing her at random points and ushering her off in directions that she was sure she wasn’t meant to go.

            She hadn’t quite realised it just yet, but she’d made her way to an area that wasn’t located on the disappointing excuse of a map that she seemed unwilling to dispose of. Only when she finally shifted her eyes upward did she come to find fish that she’d never seen before, their colours more beautiful and vibrant than the ones splattered across the decorative leggings that she wore for the day and, within seconds, she’d let her current problems fly out of the window and into the air above her head, choosing instead to appreciate the small schools of life that leisurely spent their days showcasing beauty to the undeserving.

                      ”I bet it’s easy, being a fish—you don’t have to worry about losing yourself in a theme park full of captive humans, that’s for sure…” she whispered while tapping a blunt nail against thick glass.

            Somehow, the fact that she’d resorted to confiding in fish didn’t seem all that bad.